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And then the depression comes.”

Our distance from the mainstream is also
the source of our wit, our resilience,

our empathy, our superior talents for
dressing and dancing and karaoke.

P

Perry Halkitis, a professor at NYU, has been studying the health gap between gay people and straight people since the early ’90s.

He won’t tell me the exact circumstances of the overdose, only that a stranger called an ambulance and he woke up here.

Jeremy is not the friend I was expecting to have this conversation with. It’s like the fucking jungle.”

“I came out when I was 17, and I didn’t see a place for myself in the gay scene,” says Paul, a software developer.

Q tells me:

“After I made peace with how [being queer] fits and sits in tension with my faith and how it’s an immutable part of who I am, I embraced it as simply a part of the many facets that compose who I am. Now it’s, when the bullying stops we’ll be fine. And then you realize that everyone else here has baggage, too.

gay and loneliness

Therapy, supportive friendships, chosen family, or community spaces can provide opportunities to practice sharing our lives and ourselves safely.

The goal is not to perform vulnerability for approval but to allow yourself to exist fully and to test, even in small and incremental ways, what it feels like to be understood and really seen.

Most importantly, healing requires turning inward, which is counter to what we’re often told societally.

When it’s gone, it’s like, ‘Oh good, I can go back to my life now.’ I would stay up all weekend and go to these sex parties and then feel like shit until Wednesday. Vincent, who runs counseling sessions with black and Latino men through the San Francisco Department of Public Health, says the apps give racial minorities two forms of feedback: Rejected (“Sorry, I’m not into black guys”) and fetishized (“Hi, I’m really into black guys.”) Paihan, a Taiwanese immigrant in Seattle, shows me his Grindr inbox.

It’s just going to spread.”

The worst thing about the apps, though, and why they’re relevant to the health disparity between gay and straight men, is not just that we use them a lot. But still, he says, “I couldn’t trust anyone because I had this thing I was holding. So I thought those were my two options.”

Or, as Elder puts it, being in the closet is like someone having someone punch you lightly on the arm, over and over.

But the downside is that they put all this prejudice out there.”

What the apps reinforce, or perhaps simply accelerate, is the adult version of what Pachankis calls the Best Little Boy in the World Hypothesis. Sometimes it would be two or three guys in a row. James’ was in 2007. If one scene isn’t for you, nothing is wrong with you.

I managed to deflect—something like “Sorry, you’re not my type”—then I spent weeks afterward worried about what he was thinking about me. It sucks so much energy out of you and I needed that tension to be released to feel like I could actually live my life.

If you’d like to talk with someone about your feelings of loneliness as a member of the queer community, we encourage you to visit our forum, Pride And Belonging, to connect with others who have been there (or are going through it), too.

March 02, 2017

The Epidemic of
Gay LonelinessBy Michael Hobbes

I

“I used to get so excited when the meth was all gone.”

This is my friend Jeremy.

“When you have it,” he says, “you have to keep using it.

Bars, clubs, and dating apps work beautifully for some, but meaningful belonging often comes from communities that reflect your values, personality, and pace of connection.

You might consider seeking out alternative queer spaces such as:

  • LGBTQ+ book clubs, hiking groups, sports leagues, or advocacy organizations where connection grows naturally through shared purpose

  • Therapy groups or peer support circles that offer a safe place to connect through common experiences like anxiety, relationships, or coming out

  • Creative or artistic communities, writing workshops, theater troupes, music collectives, or maker spaces, where self-expression becomes the bridge to connection

True belonging isn’t about fitting in everywhere or forcing yourself into spaces that drain you.

It’s about feeling unseen or unsure you belong. A 2015 study found that gay people produce less cortisol, the hormone that regulates stress. It is that they are almost perfectly designed to underline our negative beliefs about ourselves.