How to tell your mom your gay
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Find a link in this list that might help your parents reconcile faith concerns.
It’s easy to feel guilty for asserting your needs, especially with family, but your identity deserves to be treated with dignity. (57 min.)
Our Most Visited Pages
Below are some of the pages parents visit most on our website.
I’ll share them.”
Your parent is angry, upset or condemning.
Reassure, set a boundary, or end the conversation.
- “I know you’re worried/angry, but I still love you.”
- “I’m still the same kid you’ve always known.”
- “I need your help.”
- “I hope you will always love and accept me for who I am.”
- “I hope you change your mind.”
- “I know you’re angry, I don’t want to keep fighting.”
- “‘I’m leaving, but I will be back for dinner.”
- “I need to step away from this conversation now, but we can come back to it later.”
- “I’m going take a break/I need to stop for now.”
It may be helpful to know many initial reactions stem from fear and misinformation – fear of what you will face in society, fear they may have done something wrong as a parent, fear of what others will think of them or you, as well as the enormous amount of misinformation around LGBTQ.
You may not be able to answer all their questions, and you also deserve to preserve some privacy about your feelings and activities.
If you would prefer to download this guide, sign up to receive our FREE PDF version of our Coming Out Guide.
- Think ahead about how you want to come out.
As the person coming out, you’ve been thinking about your LGBTQ identity for years, but it can take time for parents to adjust. If your parents are receptive, these might be good as part of a “drip” campaign — sending helpful information to them over time.
Political Resources for Parents
These are great resources, but the main websites are often quite political.Children fear rejection, so being nervous about this is very common -- and almost expected. Instead of saying, “I’m gay,” try, “I’ve known I’m gay for a while now, and it’s a part of me I want to share with you.” Specificity humanizes your experience and makes it harder for your parents to dismiss.
You could say something like, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something important to me” and then share your feelings honestly.
It’s possible they may need time to process the information. Stories of LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing rejection resulting in homelessness, poverty, and other life-changing circumstances are unfortunately all too common, especially among youth.
Because of this, consider the dynamics of your relationship with your parents and their past attitudes towards the gay community before having aconversation with them.
We can help.
Before we share more with you — know this:
- You are supported.
- You matter. Pay attention to how they respond and adjust your approach accordingly. Imagine trying to have a heartfelt conversation during a chaotic family dinner or while they’re rushing out the door for work.
This ensures you’re not left processing their reaction alone, which can be overwhelming.
Finally, remember that their initial reaction isn’t necessarily their final stance. Just as breaking bad news or addressing a conflict requires emotional resilience, coming out does too. For example, if your parent says, “This is just a phase,” you could calmly reply, “I understand this might be hard to process, but this is how I feel, and it’s not going to change.” This kind of preparation can help you maintain composure and communicate your truth effectively, even if their reaction is less than ideal.
Comparing this process to other difficult conversations can provide perspective.
Nearly all gay children and teens (and adults!) want to be out and proud, but basic needs and even safety concerns are still, unfortunately, a barrier to fully stepping into one's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or other identity.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Tell Your Parents You’re Gay
What are my expectations?
Before broaching the topic with your parents, take a moment to examine your expectations for their reaction.
I’ve got something on my mind.”
- Empathize or Predict
- “You might not like it.”
- “You might be surprised.”
- “This is hard for me to say and might be hard for you to hear..”
- Ask for what you need
- “Could you just hear me out?”
- “Please don’t freak out.”
- “I need you to keep this between us until I’m ready.”
- Tell your truth
- “I’m gay/bisexual/pansexual/lesbian/transgender/queer”
- “I’m attracted to (or not attracted to) …”
- “I’ve always felt/known…”
- “I’m dating/want to date/in a relationship with…”
- Speak from the heart
- “This is really hard for me because it is so personal.”
- “It has been so difficult hiding who I really am.”
- “I haven’t said this before because…”
- “I want to have a good relationship with you and be honest.”
- “I want you to know I’ve thought about this for years/months/forever.”
- “I’ve been afraid to tell you for so long.”
- “Please know I’m sharing this because I love and respect you.”
- “I don’t want to lie to you.”
- Choose an exit
- “I don’t want to go into a big thing right now, but I did want to tell you”
- “I’d like to talk more about it after you have some time”
- “I don’t want to talk about this but I wanted you to know”
- “I can’t answer all your questions but I wanted to tell you”
- “I can see you’re upset, so I want to give you some time”
- “I love you and I’m relieved that you know”
- How to respond if...
Things go well.
Communicate love and appreciation.- “I love you so much.”
- “Being honest is important to me; it’s been hard to keep this from you.”
- “Thank you for…”
Your parent has questions, is confused, is worried.
Empathize and offer information.- “I’ve been thinking about this a long time; I know it will take you some time”
- “I can tell you whatever you want to know.”
- “I don’t have all the answers.”
- “There are some resources for parents that can tell you more than I can.
A parent who values logic might appreciate statistical data on LGBTQ+ mental health outcomes, while a parent who connects through emotion might respond better to personal stories.
Tip: If your parent is religious, seek resources from organizations like Believe Out Loud or the Gay Christian Network that address faith-based concerns.
Step 3: Offer, Don't Overwhelm Don't bombard your parent with information.